So it’s been a while since I updated on my attacks. They’ve evolved into just general depression and malaise. I’m cycling quickly between highs and lows–I can tell because I’m getting chills every few minutes.
Last night at the therapist, we talked about making friends and how I find it really hard to do so. I talked about how it feels pointless, because they will avoid me once they get to know me. I kind of want to go to a happy hour tomorrow–it’s a happy hour for Lost, thrown by the Washington Post. However, I’ve invited seven people and none of them want to come with me. I’m not sure what to do. I plan to go, but may panic and go home at the last minute instead. I would probably be miserable the whole time, since I wouldn’t know anybody there. I have a hard time approaching people, and I hate being at bars. It will be loud, and crowded, and everybody will have somebody else to talk to, and I will be all alone.
Today some lady I don’t even know told me to “Smile, it can’t be that bad.” Does she really think that cheers people up? It just puts a lot of pressure on me–even my facial expression has to be just right to avoid you picking on me.
I signed up for online dating again, and am getting nowhere with it. The guys I list on jDate look at my profile but don’t try to make contact or list me in return. Chemistry.com keeps sending me weirdos and they aren’t communicating back with me. Ugh. So much self-pity it makes me feel sick. Oh well.
