Dating

So the two guys who are regularly writing me on OK Cupid are thus: One who plays Dungeons and Dragons, reads Star Wars books and lives with his parents, and one who has asperger’s syndrome. I was excited guys are writing to me, but seriously, these are my options?

I’m thinking I should just give up.

Boys

I IMd Seth today and said I told him I want to hear all about his new girlfriend and his life in Chicago. Of course, he had to say they are living together in DC and in Chicago and they were about to go to bed together. ARGH!!!! I’m super jealous! I need to just let it go! LET IT GO ALREADY WRECK, OKAY? How exactly do you let go? Without cutting off all contact? Do you need to cut off all contact?

Karl wrote to me too–WTF? He said he feels really bad about how he treated me and will feel bad about it forever. WEIRD. I wrote back and said really, it’s okay. I’m not the same person I was in college, and I’m sure he’s grown up too.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH BOYS?

I need to get my big butt back to the gym to work some of this out already!

Panic Attacks

So it’s been a while since I updated on my attacks. They’ve evolved into just general depression and malaise. I’m cycling quickly between highs and lows–I can tell because I’m getting chills every few minutes.

Last night at the therapist, we talked about making friends and how I find it really hard to do so. I talked about how it feels pointless, because they will avoid me once they get to know me. I kind of want to go to a happy hour tomorrow–it’s a happy hour for Lost, thrown by the Washington Post. However, I’ve invited seven people and none of them want to come with me. I’m not sure what to do. I plan to go, but may panic and go home at the last minute instead. I would probably be miserable the whole time, since I wouldn’t know anybody there. I have a hard time approaching people, and I hate being at bars. It will be loud, and crowded, and everybody will have somebody else to talk to, and I will be all alone.

Today some lady I don’t even know told me to “Smile, it can’t be that bad.” Does she really think that cheers people up? It just puts a lot of pressure on me–even my facial expression has to be just right to avoid you picking on me.

I signed up for online dating again, and am getting nowhere with it. The guys I list on jDate look at my profile but don’t try to make contact or list me in return. Chemistry.com keeps sending me weirdos and they aren’t communicating back with me. Ugh. So much self-pity it makes me feel sick. Oh well.

Lostblog 5/11

A woman arrives at the island–she gets a drink of water, and sees another lady. Circe? She speaks Latin. So that happened.

Claudia is the woman who washed up on the island. They start speaking english. Allison Janney! That’s who Circe is. “Every question I answer is going to lead to another question.” Circe says she will find others if they are on the island. Claudia is about to have a baby. Screaming pain in the jungle–really? Little white baby boy! She names him Jacob. Allison Janney takes him. Baby number two is about to come out! This baby has dark hair already. Allison Janney kills Ms. Claudia with a big rock. So that happened. That’s a stone-cold open (pun! It’s a pun!)

So, as long as we’re talking, I should tell you my therapist has decided it’s time for me to get in touch with my feelings, since I only feel “fine” and “rage-tastic.” I’m supposed to keep a feelings journal this week where I say how I’m feeling and when. I’ll try. I’m not very good at this stuff, so she also gave me a list of possible emotions. THANK GOODNESS. I never know what feelings actually are–whether they are feelings or thoughts or actions or what. She said we start with this, then we go into the causes of the feelings.

9:08 Lost is back. Young boy finds a brick. It looks like he’s about to play mancala. Kid Jacob is there too. Says Mom will take away the game if they tell her about it. Mama is weaving, just like Jacob was later on. Does Jacob love his mother? Yes he does. He tells on his brother. Janney is totally Circe. Mom left the game for this kid in black. She is raising them to believe that the island is all there is–there is nowhere else. No worries about death, she says.

9:12 The boys chase a boar through the jungle. Somebody killed the boar. These guys look like Viking Polynesians, and maybe also Romans. Three dudes, that’s who they saw. What reason are we here? It’s not time to tell yet, says Circe. She will turn Odysseus and his friends into pigs! She blindfolds the boys and marches them through the jungle. People come and destroy things, that’s what they do, says Circe. She has “made it so you can never hurt each other.” Hmm. She leads them to an opening in the forest, behind which is an eerie light from a cave.

9:15 Don’t go in there. The warmest, brightest light ever is in the cave. They are here to protect the light and need to make sure nobody ever finds it. A little bit of the light is inside everybody. If the light goes out here, it goes out everywhere. She protects the light, and needs the boys to protect it after she is gone. Um, okay. So, the light is the strange magnetic force, right? Commercials.

I was supposed to meet a person for dog-sitting tonight. She never called. Sad face.

9:21: One day you can make up your own game and everybody else will have to follow your rules. Kid in black sees his mama. He knows she’s an apparition. Jacob can’t see dead people. Claudia wants to show him the place across the island, where he came from. There are YURTS! YURTS! These guys came on a boat with Claudia.

9:23 Boy in black wakes up Jacob while Circe is asleep. He has decided to make friends with Odysseus’s crew. Jacob starts to beat up his brother, then Circe pulls him away. Boy in black says he comes from across the sea and he’s going back. Jacob doesn’t want to leave. Circe says he won’t be able to leave the island. Boy in black is going to prove he can too leave. One day.

9:26 Jacob and Circe sit on the shore. Odysseus’s people are very bad and Circe doesn’t want him to become like them. She needs him to stay good. Why does she love the boy in black more? Jacob agrees to stay with her, for a while. Commercials.

9:32 Jacob is all growed up and weaving. He watches his brother building things with Odysseus. They play their mancala-style game. Why are these people bad? Greedy, manipulative, untrustworthy, and selfish. MIB sticks with them because they are means to an end–to get him off the island. He discovered magnets! Also, he dug something up. Mama is making thread.

9:35 Mama knows MIB wants to leave and she is PISSED. Circe is going to whip Scylla and Charybdis into a frenzy–just you wait. MIB is in a hole, stoking a fire. He’s never been able to find the light beneath the island again. He’s found a way to get to it from another angle. The wheel! There it is. By turning the wheel he’ll be able to leave the island. He knows because he is special. Hmm. Mama wants to say goodbye. She smashes his head against the rock.

9:44 Mama says it’s time. The light is the heart of the island. Mama makes him promise to never ever go to the heart of the island. She says a blessing in latin over some wine. Jacob drinks it, accepting that he now has to protect the island.

9:48 MIB is flat on the ground and his hole has been filled in. The YURTS are burning! His people are dead! MIB is totes bummed. He picks up his game board and gets angry.

9:54 Jacob and Mama walk through the forest. She sends Jacob off to get firewood. She knows something is up with MIB. Back at her camp, she sees he’s destroyed her loom. She finds his game board. MIB stabs her through. She says thank you, then dies. Jacob punches him a lot. He takes MIB to the river of light. Jacob lifts him up by the neck, then sends him down the river into the cave. The ground starts to shake and then the smoke monster comes out of the cave! He sees MIB stuck on some branches in the river. Is this a two-hour Lost? He lays Mama and MIB next to each other with the black and white stones–that’s who Jack and Kate found in the first season. OVER.

Preview: Mirrors.

Another Surprise

Serious nipple pain. Just in the right nipple. But debilitating, curl up in a ball, black out screaming kind of pain. Taking a serious pain pill tonight. Grr.

Surprise

Surprise depression attack tonight. Not sure where that came from. Beth’s birthday party was tonight. It was nice, but I couldn’t eat or drink due to my financial situation. I’m looking forward to next Friday when I’ll get paid, and will be able to get out from under this stress cloud.

Lost 4/6/10

9:02 Way to wail on Widmore, Des. Widmore wants to run some tests. Jin is suspicious of this business. These guys set up shop pretty quickly. This guy looks familiar. They are testing a generator. What will that do? Bunny’s name is Angstrom. Looks like they’re trying teleportation? Dude was in the generator house when they re-started it. Looks like he got fried by a Tesla coil.

9:08 Widmore’s son died on the island. He hasn’t met Charlie. Desmond must make a sacrifice to the island. He’s strapped to a chair in front of the Tesla coil. Finnoula Flanigan is on the show! Hi El! Widmore is going to create a catastrophic magnetic event.  They turn on the coils, and we see Desmond at LAX. Hurley tells him the bags are at carousel 4.

9:11 Claire struggles with her suitcase. Desmond doesn’t like surprises. Claire is looking for the baby’s family. He offers Claire a ride and tells her he thinks the baby is a boy. Someone is waiting for Desmond. Fisher Stevens? Fish is ALWAYS trouble. Don’t trust him. Desmond is a corporate type.

9:14 Des works for Widmore. Commercials.

9:20 Desmond meets Charlie, who has a death wish. Charlie says he found love on the plane. Definitely with Claire. Des says everybody has a choice.

9:25 DRIVE SHAFT–YOU ALL, EVERYBODY! All we need now is a Geronimo Jackson shout out. Charlie drives the car into the water. Charlie is drowning and puts his hand up on the window–NOT PENNY’S BOAT. The worlds are crossing. Is Charlie going to drown here too?

9:33 Desmond goes into the MRI machine. He starts to remember Penny. He hits the Panic button. He needs to find Charlie. Hey there’s Jack! Calls him “brother.” Charlie is running amok. He’s wearing hospital booties. He tells Desmond to start looking for Penny already and be grateful for small epiphanies.

9:53 Eloise told off Desmond, now Daniel explains that he saw his red-haired girl at the museum and fell in love/learned physics. He figured out that they must have asploded a nuclear bomb, leading to a very different life than the one he was supposed to lead.

9:54 Desmond fell in love in the MRI machine. He thinks Penny is an idea, but Daniel explains she’s his half-sister. He’s going to set them up. Apparently, Penny is at a stadium. RUNNING AN AROUND THE WORLD. Just like he met Jack. Lots of coincidences in this episode. Very eerie when El said “whatever happened happened.” They shake hands and Des wakes up on the floor of the generator house.

He dreamed the other reality. Des is ready to get started on this important business. There’s Sayid. He tells Zoe to run. Des goes with Sayid. In the alter-verse, Des fainted and Penny helped him up. Des and Penny agree to go out for coffee. Des asks his driver for the manifest from the flight. He’s going to connect the dots.

LostaPesach

9:00 Previouslies: Jin is stuck at the airport, Hurley wants Richard to keep the man in black on the island, and Sawyer is making deals.

9:01 Night vision. Mikhail? “Locke” is giving Jin advice on healing his leg wound. “Locke” mentions Kwon. “Locke” is going to find Sun. Claire listens sneakily.

9:02 Jin is at the airport and is allowed to leave but without his cash. Jin is a functionary of Sun’s father. They need two rooms, since they are not married.

9:04 “Locke” leaves Sayid in charge. Sayid can’t feel pain anymore. “Locke” is ominous. Jin is off to find Sun. Everybody gets shot with darts. Looks like Widmore’s people. They take Jin! Commercials.

9:09 The beach crew are sitting around playing cards and polishing their weapons. Sun doesn’t like the plan to just wait for Richard to come back. Sun wants Jack to leave her alone.

9:11 Jin is going to deliver the watch without the money. Sun is being seductive…and sassy. Boobies!

9:13 Sun is working in her garden and gets cut by a leaf. “Locke” is there. He offers to take Sun to Jin. She doesn’t believe him. She runs away.

9:19 Sun runs away from “Locke.” Back in LA, Sun and Jin are enjoying the sunrise. She wants to run away. Jin is conflicted. And very very pretty. Someone knocks on the door. It’s Keamy.

9:21 Sun is knocked unconscious on the jungle floor. Benry finds her and she tells him “Locke” knocked her out.

9:22 “Locke” wakes Sayid up from his dart-induced stupor. Jin is gone.

9:23 Jin is on a gurney somewhere–at Dharma? In the sub? I think it’s about to get very loud. There are speakers everywhere. Oh, he’s in the brainwashing suite. They’re on the hydra island. Sawyer’s friend tells him she needs information about some maps. Jin knows her boss is Charles Widmore. Sayid and “Locke” are going somewhere in the outrigger.

9:26 Claire’s name wasn’t on the wall. She’s unsure why “Locke” needs her. Once Kate convinces the remaining candidates to leave the island, he’ll let Claire kill her. “Locke” is going to get Jin back.

9:32 Sun gives Keamy the watch. Keamy’s henchmen checked Jin’s room and didn’t find him. They find him in the bathroom. Mikhail speaks Korean–they are going to fetch him. Hi Mikhail! Things do not look good.

9:35 They think Benry hurt Sun. She can’t speak English anymore. Jack thinks she has some aphasia. Richard’s back–hi Richard!

9:36 “Locke” arrives on Hydra and Widmore’s people come to kill him dead. “Locke” claims to come in peace, but he stays outside of the sonic barrier. Widmore comes out to say hi. “Locke” says that the war has begun. Commercials.

In other news, I made Matzoh Pizza tonight. It was delicious. I’m debating whether to snack on chocolate-caramel matzoh or not. On one hand, I want some chocolate. On the other hand, I may have had my fill of matzoh.

9:42 Richard is ready to stop “Locke” from leaving the island. Sun wants to bring Jin home, she doesn’t care about saving the world.

9:43 In LA, Sun is having trouble accessing her bank account. Her Dad closed her account. Time for Jin to be locked in the freezer. Keamy is a jerk to Jin, knowing he can’t understand him. Keamy was supposed to kill Jin because Mr. Paik knew Jin was involved with Sun. Hmm.

9:46 Jin is listening in on a conversation between girly and Widmore. She says he should have had one of the mercenaries watching camp instead of a geophysicist. Widmore gives Jin Sun’s digital camera with pictures of Ji Yeoh. If “Locke” gets off the island, everyone will “cease to be.” Widmore wants to keep “Locke” from leaving the island. He says it’s time Jin saw “the package,” which is a who, not a what. Commercials.

9:53 Jin is freaking out in the freezer. Sayid gives him the razorblade to free himself. Mikhail and Sun enter the kitchen. Jin holds the gun to Mikhail. Mikhail defends himself, but Jin manages to shoot him anyway. He also manages to shoot Sun. No no no.

9:56 Sun sits by a fire on the beach. Jack tries to be helpful. He gives Sun a notepad and a tomato. Sun keeps putting up her signs behind the V sign. Geez. She trusts Jack, but not “Locke.”

9:59 Sawyer tells Kate she’s spacing out. “Locke” is back. Sayid is going to find out “the package.” DESMOND is the package? No! Des and Penny HAVE TO BE TOGETHER.

Lostblog

8:58 So excited for the Richard-isode. Ohboyohboyohboy.

9:00 Richard Alpert is a kind of advisor, and he’s had that job for a very very long time.

Richard thins his life had no purpose.

Ilana is in the hospital, and Jacob comes to visit her. Is Richard the Poor Richard of the Almanack? Jacob wants Ilana to protect the remaining candidates. She explains to Sun, Jack, and Hurley. Lapidus feels left out, and fey.

9:02 Ilana lost her bandages and is talking with Jacob. He says to check with Richard on what to do next. Richard has totally lost it. He is ANGRY. He doesn’t believe a word Jacob said. Time to tell tails. “You’re dead.” Everybody is dead–they’re in Hell. Richard storms off. Hurley looks dissatisfied. Commercials.

9:07 Henry Ian Cusick is still in the credits! Jack is freaking confused. Hurley is speaking Spanish with an invisible person. Richard doesn’t age. Lapidus knows more than he is letting on.

9:08 Richard is in Tenerife, in 1867, He is speaking Spanish to a hot babe who has a fever. Uh oh, and TB. That’s too bad. He goes to get a doctor. She’s Catholic. He probably doesn’t make it back in time. Pretty well-paved road for the 1860s.

9:11 The doctor is a jerk. He doesn’t want to go out to Richard’s house in the rain. They get into an argument and Richard kills him by knocking him into the table. Isabela is not doing well. She’s dead. Even though Richard stole the medicine, it won’t do any good. He is thrown in gaol.

9:13 A priest comes to visit him in the gaol. Richard has been learning English. He was going to travel to the New World from the Canary Islands. The Canaries are west of Africa, si? The priest refuses to forgive Richard for the murder. Richard must do penance, but he is to be hanged in the morning. Commercials.

9:16 The Canaries are just southwest of Morocco, near Western Sahara. This may explain why Penny’s henchmen were speaking Portuguese–the Canaries were under Portugal’s control until the late 1400s. In other news, Dennis Quaid and Miley Cyrus are in a movie together.

9:20 Richard’s gaolers come to visit him. He is blindfolded and they mumble. An English guy comes to see him. Does Richard speak English? Only under duress. Captain Magnus Hanso!!! Hanso buys Richard. Richard is enslaved on The Black Rock.

9:22 They crash into the Anubis statue. Maybe that’s how the top of it came off. It’s a bright and sunny day on the island as Richard awakes, with only a few others. A crew member or the captain kills a guy. Only fiver total peoples are left. Limited supplies means kill everybody.

9:25 Smokey comes to say hi. He kills everybody but Richard. He looks him in the eyes instead, then runs off. Richard is still chained to the ship. Commercials.

9:30 Richard is trying to pry himself loose off the boat. It is storming, so he also tries to get to the water. He finally succeeds at chipping away at the boat to come loose from his chains. He awakes to find a pig eating his friends. He threatens the pig and it runs away. In the scuffle, Richard loses the pin he was using to dig himself out of the boat.

9:32 Somebody is talking to Richard, asking if anybody is on the boat. It’s Isabella. He must be dreaming. Or, she’s one of those walking nightmares everybody sees. She says the smoke monster is the devil. Smokey kills her. Somebody else comes into the hold and gives Richard some water. It’s the Man in Black. I’m not sure he’s your friend, Richard. He says Richard is dead.

9:36 He says if the black smoke took Isabella, it means HE has her. He solicits Richard’s servitude in return for freedom from bondage. “There’s only one way to escape from Hell. You’re going to have to kill the devil.” Commercials.

9:42 He gives Richard the same advice the samurai gave to Sayid.

9:43 The devil took my body. I am the black smoke. His voice is crazy similar to Terry O’Quinn. Richard goes to the statue. What did the snowman say to the other snowman? Lots of debris on the beach. Jacob punches him a lot. Jacob proves Richard isn’t dead by trying to drown him. Baptism? Commercials.

9:52 Nobody goes inside unless Jacob wants them to. Jacob denies being the devil. He brought the ship to the island. Why? The island keeps the darkness away from the rest of the world. MIB believes in original sin and Jacob believes in free will and a sort of tabula rasa once you reach the island. Richard’s job will be to help people choose the right way. Richard wants to live forever.

9:56 He finds the Man in Black and gives him a white rock. Man in Black says his offer still stands forever. He gives Richard Isabella’s cross back and disappears. Richard buries it.

9:57 Present Day Richard comes back to the spot where he buried the cross and finds it. “I changed my mind” he says. Hurley comes through the jungle. Isabella sent him. Hurley speaks for the dead and has a very nice interchange with Richard.

10:02 If Richard doesn’t stop the man in black from leaving the island, they all go to hell. MIB and Jacob sit looking at the island. MIB smashes the wine bottle.

10:05 Bad Robot.

Blost

Hey it’s another Lost night!

9:00 Jin and Sawyer are camping together at Claire’s hut. Sawyer agrees to help Jin find Sun and go off the island. Buddies! The Temple folk come streaming into the campsite. Kate tries to be all sexyface with Sawyer. He looks glum.

9:01 Sawyer is exhausted from sexytime with some girl. Tee hee, it’s 8:42. Sawyer has a suitcase full of cash. She pulls a gun on him. She’s onto his con. Sawyer is a policeman! Or is he? He totes is! Police come busting in, including Miles! Sawyer and Miles are buddies! Commercials.

9:07 Claire pets her fake skeleton baby and Kate is confused. Locke gathers everybody round. Locke says the black smoke killed everybody at the Temple. Claire holds Kate’s hand creepily. Nobody knows what happened to Miles. Oh no! My psychic buddy Miles!

9:09 Detective James Ford. Whoa. He dials the phone angrily. Sawyer went to Palm Springs last weekend. Miles asks: Do you want to die alone? Sawyer is totally lying about something or other.

9:11 Back on the island, they tromp through the jungle, but quietly. Sawyer asks when they’re leaving. Locke wants to talk in private. His boobies are about as big as Kate’s. He admits to being the smoke monster. Kill or be killed, says he. Locke doesn’t want to be killed. Sawyer is going to Hydra island to fly home on the Ajira plane. The runway’s long enough for a big old jet to take off? His mission is to buddy up to the other team and find out all their secrets. Commercials.

9:18 Sawyer has a date with Charlotte. I’d like to date a detective. And look like Charlotte. She’s so pretty. Oh, they get down to business. No please. Well, nekkid Sawyer is fine. Hmm, she’s probably scamming him. Or she is going to find out something dangerous. She finds Watership Down. Also, she finds his creepy scrapbook and he kicks her out.

9:22 Sawyer portages the outrigger on Hydra island. He finds the zoo where he lived with Kate for a while. Her dress is there and he looks wistful. Please, don’t put them together. Kate asks if Sayid believes Locke. He looks dead in the eyes. Claire totes attacks Kate with a knife, believing she stole Aaron. Locke slaps her because she was being hysterical.

9:24 Sawyer marches around Hydra island. It’s weird that Locke told Ben to meet them there, right? If the only person over there is Sawyer? Fire, tracks, etc. Who is over on this island? Didn’t everybody go to the main island earlier? Dead, rotting bodies in a pile. Some lady is running away! New person! I couldn’t understand what she said. Something cryptic and important, no doubt. She’s wearing glasses. Maybe they’ll bond over frankenglasses? Commercials.

9:30 Charlie’s brother is at the station! Drive Shaft 4 eva! Miles is pissed that Sawyer wasn’t in Palm Springs, he was in Australia. Miles quits being Sawyer’s partner. Aw, Bro-ke up!

9:31 On Hydra, Mary was on the Ajira plane. She was out collecting wood when everybody was screaming and then everyb0dy was dead.

9:33 Kate is crying in the mangroves. Locke says he gave Claire the story about Aaron to give her something to hate–a motivation to keep going. Oookay. He’ll show Kate where Sawyer went. TO HELL, Kate, TO HELL.

9:34 Mary wonders if Sawyer knows the pilot. She has lots of questions. Her boyfriend was in Guam.Whoa, that’s a lot of people. Oh, she said her name was Zoe, not Mary. Pardon me. Sardonic comment, and commercials.

9:41 Locke shows Kate the Hydra island. Locke: My mother was crazy. Medea? Cryptic again, bud. Way to answer questions. “Now Aaron has a crazy mother too.” Hmmm.

9:42 Sawyer is being marched into the interior. These guys are setting up a sonic perimeter. Hi Widmore! Sawyer has experience with submarines.

9:43 Back in our alternate zone, Sawyer grabs a non-Dharma beer and a Stouffers dinner and watches Little House on the Prairie. His apartment is very tidy. Is he going to apologize to Miles? Nope, to Charlotte. She is unforgiving. And kickass, though, to be fair, she was snooping.

9:45 On the sub, Sawyer wants to snoop, but Zoe prevents him. Sawyer, meet Widmore. They do not shake hands. He didn’t kill the people on the Hydra. Locke sent Sawyer to the island. Sawyer’s willing to double-cross Locke on Widmore’s behalf. For why? For everybody else to be safe and taken off the island safely. Sawyer, you goshdarn anti-hero! They shake on it. Commercials.

9:54 Sawyer gets back on the big island and says Widmore is over on Hydra. Haha, New Otherton shout-out! Double double-cross Sawyer? Stop with all the strategy man, you’re being too political. I guess this way he can play both sides to get what he wants.

9:55 Sawyer is driving and picks up Miles. They’re like Panch and John, meant to be. He shares his scrapbook and tells Miles about the bad Sawyer. Then they get hit by a car and a woman wearing a hoodie. LOST you always do this crazy stuff in the last minutes of the show! Hey it’s Kate–like that wasn’t obvious.

9:58 Kate pokes at the fire with a stick. Sawyer asks her what’s for dinner. She is not enthused about the rabbit. He’s going to be sneaky and steal the submarine. Bad Robot.