So the two guys who are regularly writing me on OK Cupid are thus: One who plays Dungeons and Dragons, reads Star Wars books and lives with his parents, and one who has asperger’s syndrome. I was excited guys are writing to me, but seriously, these are my options?

I’m thinking I should just give up.


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I IMd Seth today and said I told him I want to hear all about his new girlfriend and his life in Chicago. Of course, he had to say they are living together in DC and in Chicago and they were about to go to bed together. ARGH!!!! I’m super jealous! I need to just let it go! LET IT GO ALREADY WRECK, OKAY? How exactly do you let go? Without cutting off all contact? Do you need to cut off all contact?

Karl wrote to me too–WTF? He said he feels really bad about how he treated me and will feel bad about it forever. WEIRD. I wrote back and said really, it’s okay. I’m not the same person I was in college, and I’m sure he’s grown up too.


I need to get my big butt back to the gym to work some of this out already!

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Panic Attacks

So it’s been a while since I updated on my attacks. They’ve evolved into just general depression and malaise. I’m cycling quickly between highs and lows–I can tell because I’m getting chills every few minutes.

Last night at the therapist, we talked about making friends and how I find it really hard to do so. I talked about how it feels pointless, because they will avoid me once they get to know me. I kind of want to go to a happy hour tomorrow–it’s a happy hour for Lost, thrown by the Washington Post. However, I’ve invited seven people and none of them want to come with me. I’m not sure what to do. I plan to go, but may panic and go home at the last minute instead. I would probably be miserable the whole time, since I wouldn’t know anybody there. I have a hard time approaching people, and I hate being at bars. It will be loud, and crowded, and everybody will have somebody else to talk to, and I will be all alone.

Today some lady I don’t even know told me to “Smile, it can’t be that bad.” Does she really think that cheers people up? It just puts a lot of pressure on me–even my facial expression has to be just right to avoid you picking on me.

I signed up for online dating again, and am getting nowhere with it. The guys I list on jDate look at my profile but don’t try to make contact or list me in return. keeps sending me weirdos and they aren’t communicating back with me. Ugh. So much self-pity it makes me feel sick. Oh well.

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Lostblog 5/11

A woman arrives at the island–she gets a drink of water, and sees another lady. Circe? She speaks Latin. So that happened.

Claudia is the woman who washed up on the island. They start speaking english. Allison Janney! That’s who Circe is. “Every question I answer is going to lead to another question.” Circe says she will find others if they are on the island. Claudia is about to have a baby. Screaming pain in the jungle–really? Little white baby boy! She names him Jacob. Allison Janney takes him. Baby number two is about to come out! This baby has dark hair already. Allison Janney kills Ms. Claudia with a big rock. So that happened. That’s a stone-cold open (pun! It’s a pun!)

So, as long as we’re talking, I should tell you my therapist has decided it’s time for me to get in touch with my feelings, since I only feel “fine” and “rage-tastic.” I’m supposed to keep a feelings journal this week where I say how I’m feeling and when. I’ll try. I’m not very good at this stuff, so she also gave me a list of possible emotions. THANK GOODNESS. I never know what feelings actually are–whether they are feelings or thoughts or actions or what. She said we start with this, then we go into the causes of the feelings.

9:08 Lost is back. Young boy finds a brick. It looks like he’s about to play mancala. Kid Jacob is there too. Says Mom will take away the game if they tell her about it. Mama is weaving, just like Jacob was later on. Does Jacob love his mother? Yes he does. He tells on his brother. Janney is totally Circe. Mom left the game for this kid in black. She is raising them to believe that the island is all there is–there is nowhere else. No worries about death, she says.

9:12 The boys chase a boar through the jungle. Somebody killed the boar. These guys look like Viking Polynesians, and maybe also Romans. Three dudes, that’s who they saw. What reason are we here? It’s not time to tell yet, says Circe. She will turn Odysseus and his friends into pigs! She blindfolds the boys and marches them through the jungle. People come and destroy things, that’s what they do, says Circe. She has “made it so you can never hurt each other.” Hmm. She leads them to an opening in the forest, behind which is an eerie light from a cave.

9:15 Don’t go in there. The warmest, brightest light ever is in the cave. They are here to protect the light and need to make sure nobody ever finds it. A little bit of the light is inside everybody. If the light goes out here, it goes out everywhere. She protects the light, and needs the boys to protect it after she is gone. Um, okay. So, the light is the strange magnetic force, right? Commercials.

I was supposed to meet a person for dog-sitting tonight. She never called. Sad face.

9:21: One day you can make up your own game and everybody else will have to follow your rules. Kid in black sees his mama. He knows she’s an apparition. Jacob can’t see dead people. Claudia wants to show him the place across the island, where he came from. There are YURTS! YURTS! These guys came on a boat with Claudia.

9:23 Boy in black wakes up Jacob while Circe is asleep. He has decided to make friends with Odysseus’s crew. Jacob starts to beat up his brother, then Circe pulls him away. Boy in black says he comes from across the sea and he’s going back. Jacob doesn’t want to leave. Circe says he won’t be able to leave the island. Boy in black is going to prove he can too leave. One day.

9:26 Jacob and Circe sit on the shore. Odysseus’s people are very bad and Circe doesn’t want him to become like them. She needs him to stay good. Why does she love the boy in black more? Jacob agrees to stay with her, for a while. Commercials.

9:32 Jacob is all growed up and weaving. He watches his brother building things with Odysseus. They play their mancala-style game. Why are these people bad? Greedy, manipulative, untrustworthy, and selfish. MIB sticks with them because they are means to an end–to get him off the island. He discovered magnets! Also, he dug something up. Mama is making thread.

9:35 Mama knows MIB wants to leave and she is PISSED. Circe is going to whip Scylla and Charybdis into a frenzy–just you wait. MIB is in a hole, stoking a fire. He’s never been able to find the light beneath the island again. He’s found a way to get to it from another angle. The wheel! There it is. By turning the wheel he’ll be able to leave the island. He knows because he is special. Hmm. Mama wants to say goodbye. She smashes his head against the rock.

9:44 Mama says it’s time. The light is the heart of the island. Mama makes him promise to never ever go to the heart of the island. She says a blessing in latin over some wine. Jacob drinks it, accepting that he now has to protect the island.

9:48 MIB is flat on the ground and his hole has been filled in. The YURTS are burning! His people are dead! MIB is totes bummed. He picks up his game board and gets angry.

9:54 Jacob and Mama walk through the forest. She sends Jacob off to get firewood. She knows something is up with MIB. Back at her camp, she sees he’s destroyed her loom. She finds his game board. MIB stabs her through. She says thank you, then dies. Jacob punches him a lot. He takes MIB to the river of light. Jacob lifts him up by the neck, then sends him down the river into the cave. The ground starts to shake and then the smoke monster comes out of the cave! He sees MIB stuck on some branches in the river. Is this a two-hour Lost? He lays Mama and MIB next to each other with the black and white stones–that’s who Jack and Kate found in the first season. OVER.

Preview: Mirrors.

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Another Surprise

Serious nipple pain. Just in the right nipple. But debilitating, curl up in a ball, black out screaming kind of pain. Taking a serious pain pill tonight. Grr.

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Surprise depression attack tonight. Not sure where that came from. Beth’s birthday party was tonight. It was nice, but I couldn’t eat or drink due to my financial situation. I’m looking forward to next Friday when I’ll get paid, and will be able to get out from under this stress cloud.

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Lost 4/6/10

9:02 Way to wail on Widmore, Des. Widmore wants to run some tests. Jin is suspicious of this business. These guys set up shop pretty quickly. This guy looks familiar. They are testing a generator. What will that do? Bunny’s name is Angstrom. Looks like they’re trying teleportation? Dude was in the generator house when they re-started it. Looks like he got fried by a Tesla coil.

9:08 Widmore’s son died on the island. He hasn’t met Charlie. Desmond must make a sacrifice to the island. He’s strapped to a chair in front of the Tesla coil. Finnoula Flanigan is on the show! Hi El! Widmore is going to create a catastrophic magnetic event. ¬†They turn on the coils, and we see Desmond at LAX. Hurley tells him the bags are at carousel 4.

9:11 Claire struggles with her suitcase. Desmond doesn’t like surprises. Claire is looking for the baby’s family. He offers Claire a ride and tells her he thinks the baby is a boy. Someone is waiting for Desmond. Fisher Stevens? Fish is ALWAYS trouble. Don’t trust him. Desmond is a corporate type.

9:14 Des works for Widmore. Commercials.

9:20 Desmond meets Charlie, who has a death wish. Charlie says he found love on the plane. Definitely with Claire. Des says everybody has a choice.

9:25 DRIVE SHAFT–YOU ALL, EVERYBODY! All we need now is a Geronimo Jackson shout out. Charlie drives the car into the water. Charlie is drowning and puts his hand up on the window–NOT PENNY’S BOAT. The worlds are crossing. Is Charlie going to drown here too?

9:33 Desmond goes into the MRI machine. He starts to remember Penny. He hits the Panic button. He needs to find Charlie. Hey there’s Jack! Calls him “brother.” Charlie is running amok. He’s wearing hospital booties. He tells Desmond to start looking for Penny already and be grateful for small epiphanies.

9:53 Eloise told off Desmond, now Daniel explains that he saw his red-haired girl at the museum and fell in love/learned physics. He figured out that they must have asploded a nuclear bomb, leading to a very different life than the one he was supposed to lead.

9:54 Desmond fell in love in the MRI machine. He thinks Penny is an idea, but Daniel explains she’s his half-sister. He’s going to set them up. Apparently, Penny is at a stadium. RUNNING AN AROUND THE WORLD. Just like he met Jack. Lots of coincidences in this episode. Very eerie when El said “whatever happened happened.” They shake hands and Des wakes up on the floor of the generator house.

He dreamed the other reality. Des is ready to get started on this important business. There’s Sayid. He tells Zoe to run. Des goes with Sayid. In the alter-verse, Des fainted and Penny helped him up. Des and Penny agree to go out for coffee. Des asks his driver for the manifest from the flight. He’s going to connect the dots.

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